desarie

There is a very small handful of people I talk to ... that actually give 2 shits about what I do ... what happens to me.

Mike being at the top of that list ... Cheri and Kyle (they've never even met me face to face and live in freaking Oregan) Tania, Brian and Andrew occasionally say Hi (Brian and Andrew usually only when they're looking for pussy, and I ain't giving it out.)

Family wise ... they don't care ... not even my mom.

I'm seriously considering just giving up on the lot of them ... starting over fresh with Mike ... blocking out my fake friends and fake family ... all I really am to them is another present at their parties ... they wouldn't bother to come to mine. Even my daughters first birthday barely saw anyone, and her second birthday was just my mom and my sister.

Highschool was a joke. Air Cadets ... all I was, was just some class clown .. some idiot that made them laugh ... but not with me .. they were all just laughing at me.

REgardless what my fake friends and fake family says, Mike thinks Im beautiful ... he's helping me to be a better person, helping me get through my problems ... he actually cares. I'm really just thinking about clearing out my facebook... why should I keep assholes that dont care around ... just because we used to go to school together ... my famly hasnt cared what happened to me ... I was fucking homeless ... in the hospital for 2 weeks and noone even visited me.

I think it's time I get back into being creative ... so I may start a new journal and update it with my creations.... or I might just use this one ... we'll see

But it's 3am and Mike, my boyfriend, has told me to go to sleep so ciao

Figured I could put an actual post in for once ... maybe get back into blogging.

Desarie has found her lifemate, a death knight named Davanius. He's an awsome guy, sweet, funny, caring, possesive, romantic ... we chat a bit oocly, nothing too personal .. at least not yet. I'm very scared to get too close with people on a personal level after the betrayel of those I thought to be my friends.

Im really getting into the carpathian books again, and I play Des as a Carpathian, only I dont actually do the blood sucking thing, because being labeled a vampire would be a bad thing in WoW.

I feel bad, because I kinf od abondened my other AIM buddies RP things. But most of them just wanted to get off, and I flat out lied about who I was IRL cause of everything and it made me feel horrible. I want people to like me for me. Even if I am dorky, fat, unkempt, unstable, etc.

I miss my baby, nothing new there. I watch her old videos, and it makes me wish I could have that again. But this isnt the place. This isnt the time. Not even sure if this is the guy.

I love Chris. He does alot for me. But we dont have much of a relationship. We sleep at different times, we play different games, we have different friends, different tastes. I see him about 3 times a day and we live together. When I wake up and he cooks me lunch. When he cooks dinner, and then when he goes to bed. And sometimes when I go to bed if he's getting up. Im turning into a night owl as it were.

Also Im becoming much more open sexually. I've found a community that allows me to express myself sexually and it doesnt matter what its about, becaue everyone there has strange tastes.

ALso I think I have a daddy issue. My whole past with my mom, my step-dad what not ... I had a huge craving for ageplay and to be owned. Hence how I got into the AIM RPs ... but now Ive calmed down a bit, it still excites me, but this RP with Dav is just amazing. I really love spending time with him. It's very ... Carpathian... the way he growls as he gets worked up and becomes like a beast ... it's so erotic.

Im gunna buy one of Christine Feehans other books, the one that is about Desari.

I probably should go to bed and relax, Im tired and sore ... but Its only 5am, Chris wont be up for another few hours, and I rather like having the bed to myself. I'm kinda convinced me and him will be together forever out of sheer convenience. I love the guy, and everything he's done. But Im not -in love- with him. I love my freedom, and I just don't feel like I've found that person that completes me ... maybe one day eh?